maternal yearning

It hit me again this evening while I was grocery shopping tonight for dinner. I was in the produce section and a lady passed by me with a little girl in her cart. She was so cute and she smiled at me. I smiled back. She kept smiling. The yearning for children caused me to follow her with smile until she was no longer in my direct line of sight. Then I continued on my journey to pick up items to make dinner. I run into her and her mom and sister in the meat section. She smiles at me again. I'm in love with the idea of having kids and having that person love me unconditionally. Then I almost get run down by 2 kids who decide to have recess in the grocery store. I think that the cute babies turn into them and then they turn into moody teenagers i.e. my niece and myself 20 + years ago. I don't care, I still want kids of my own and a husband of course.

new outlook on life

I have decided to allow myself to have a new outlook on life. Instead of thinking about how long it's been since i've been in a relationship, been kissed, had sex. I will anticipate when it will happen with my husband that God has designed just for me. I have faith and I believe that he is out there waiting for me just as I am waiting for him. This time right now is my "In the Meantime" to work on issues in my life. There are plenty of them.

I have also decided to put myself back on the online dating market. I have re-activated my profile on BlackPeopleMeet.com. I have started a subscription so I can have communication with users. We'll see how it goes.

Today was an BUSY day for me. It started off with the breast cancer walk with my fellow Curvettes. That was fun. I was glad it was over. I keep thinking to myself when I'm out there struggling through the 3.1 miles, how will I ever add 10 more to it and do a half-marathon. I know that's just the devil telling me I can't do it and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

After the walk, I hit the house to change and head to St. Aug Homecoming for tailgating. As I sat around with friends, I noticed as always that it was all single women in our group. Some are mothers and some have never had children including myself. After tailgating, we met up tonight to keep the party going at Champps. I can count the # of men in there on 1 hand, seriously. I was looking extra good tonight but not enough men to take notice. We had a great time but expected a much bigger crowd. I'm happy we chose the $10 party and not the $25 party. They would have gone to the higher costing party and I would have been home making it a netflix night.

It is 2:03 in the morning and I am wide awake like it's 2:03 in the afternoon. That's what happens when you get energized and buzzed from 2 drinks, food, dancing and having a good time. I do need to go get some shut eye because I am planning to make it to PinkFest. I'm going against my upbringing by going out on a Saturday night and not going to church on Sunday morning. Life will go on :-)

My Review of Moving Comfort Women's MCW Workout Capri - Plus Size

Originally submitted at Sun & Ski Sports

This super soft capri matches the quiet heart of a workout warrior. Both gentle and fierce, we like how it fits in perfectly whether you're joining friends for a beautiful spring run or hot yoga.

Moving Comfort Women's MCW Workout Capri - Plus Size

Best capris I've ever worn

By Johanna the plus size runner from Raleigh, NC on 9/30/2010

 

5out of 5

Fit: Feels true to size

Pros: Comfortable, Lightweight, Durable, Breathable, Allows Free Movement

Best Uses: Casual Wear, Running, Warm Weather, Competition

Describe Yourself: Avid Athlete

Was this a gift?: No

I was looking for a pair of capri to wear when I run. I am a fan of Moving Comfort products. I was excited to find them on this site for a cheaper price than the manufacture site. They fit great. They perform well while running. I can't wait to order another pair in a different color.

(legalese)

Marriage

Today I had a very interesting conversation with a co-worker. He told me he has been married for 20 years and 20 years too long. He told me he's waiting for his youngest son to go to college and then he's leaving his wife. Me being a single woman who prays for my husband every day this comes as a surprise. Granted I don't have any experience of marriage except for being engaged and having a dress and veil buried in my closet for the last 10 years. That's another story. Other experience is my parents being married for 38 years.

I ask him what happened. He told me the love and passion are just gone. Once he leaves his wife, he has not intention of getting married again.

It makes me wonder is it possible in this day of age to have a happy and lasting marriage. The first wedding I was a bridesmaid in, ended after 7 years. Another wedding I was a participant in, after 9 years it's on it's way to the court house.

I ask the ? "Can a marriage last in this day and age?"

Saturday night special

Sometimes I don't appreciate the little things in life. A friend said to me today "What would it be like to go sit at a bar and appreciate the bar atmosphere?" This is what I was planning to do tonight. I told her well that's my life. I never think about not being able to go out as I please without worrying about others. That's the thing about being single. You always just get up and go as you please. You think no more about it. Every now and then you are reminded that others who are married with children don't have the same options. As I yearn to join the ranks of married people, I know my life would be completely different than it is now.

For the last 5.5 years I have been single, not dating or in a relationship. For some bizarre reason it is not easy to find a boyfriend these days.

"Why couldn't it all be so simple" sings Lauryn Hill. "You rather make it hard"

This week I have decided to stop trying to communicate with someone my 2nd mother has been trying for weeks now to matchmaker with me. I believe the man should court the woman and not the other way around. Maybe I'm old school like that. We've talked on the phone like twice. Texting is the main source of communication. I met him sort of at my birthday dinner a week ago. Actually talked to him for a little while last Sunday. That's the last I've heard from him. I've txt, left vmx. No response. I'm not a rocket scientist but I get the hint. I just don't understand men. Why even waste my time if you don't plan on putting in time in to get to know someone before you just walk away or whatever you want to call it. I wish I could fastforward to my next relationship already. This dating/meeting someone/getting to know you bs is 4 the freaking birds.

35th Birthday

Today is the national holiday AKA my birthday. I enjoyed it. Not as much as I normally would. That's primarily because my body was recovering from another bout with my stomach. My stomach had the worst timing in the world. It put a slight change in my original plans. Plans are made to be broken.

I did get to celebrate my birthday with friends and family at my birthday dinner. We ended up at Chili's instead of Olive Garden. I had an inkling for Italian and initially thought of Maagiano's and should have stayed with that choice. Next year!!

As I age each year, I come to really appreciate sharing my birthday with friends and family here in Raleigh. I heard from my family back home even my sister called to give me birthday well wishes. I heard from everyone in my immediate family except for my dad. I'm slightly surprised because he normally is reminded after my mom tells him.

I'm already thinking about next year's celebrations. Party or not to party. Trip or not to trip. I'm thinking birthday trip overseas. Yeah!!

As I drove home from the restaurant, I was proud of myself for not being sad that I was coming home to an empty house on another birthday. I have accepted the single life on some levels. I still pray that this time next year, I will share my birthday with someone special. I truly believe he is out there looking for me just as I hard as I am looking for him.

7 days until my 35th birthday

Today is August 14 and my birthday is in 7 days. I am real big on birthdays. I LOVE them. I have always believed they should be celebrated as national holidays because it is the day God blessed the world with your birth.

Traditionally, I celebrate my birthday with a dinner with friends/family. This year I'm a week away and haven't planned anything. You may ask why? The only reason is because for the past few months a rekindling of an old acquaintance from high school has me wanting to do something different for my birthday. He just informed me that he may not be able to get off from work to visit for my birthday. It's still up in the air. That has my plans in a hold pattern.

I sit here looking down at my birthday in one week, I'm not sure what I will do. The #1 thing I wanted to do and may still do is attend the Budweiser Superfest concert in Greensboro featuring Jaheim, Anthony Hamilton, Kem and Raheem Devaughn. I'll give it until Monday and then make my final decision on the concert. I'm not opposed to going by myself. I've gotten pretty used to flying solo. I would prefer to go with him but life doesn't work out the way you want all the time.

I may still do my birthday dinner on Friday if I go to the concert on Greensboro. I've been searching online for a birthday dress. I have become in love with the color purple. I found a purple maxi dress online. A little on the pricey side but I'm willing to shell out for it bc it's not everyday you turn 35.

As I sit at home on a Saturday night a little inebriated from the homemade pina colodas which I had 2, I wish that I wasn't home alone. Is it too much to ask to have a boyfriend that you spend time with? I won't get on my soapbox about men/dating/relationships. For some reason God has decided that I am not to be in a relationship at the moment. I think back to my last relationship which was over 5 1/2 years ago. That just made me depressed.

I do believe that I am not meant to live my life alone. I just wish I would meet him already. I know things happen according to God's timetable and not mine.

34 3/4, single, no kids

Today is the first of August which means my birthday is in 20 days in which I will be 35. As I was at church this morning, I noticed a female toddler behind me. She was so cute and a true handful for her mother. As I do when I see kids, the yearning inside of me grows. I thought to myself if I were to have children in the next year(assuming I meet and get married before then), when the child turns 15, I will be 50. I really began to wonder if my time for having children has passed me by. That thought will hit me hard and made me straight up DEPRESSED.

As I was headed to a birthday dinner for my mother away from mother, I was talking to my BFF about my thoughts on children. She asked me if I wanted kids, I told her I do and how I'm thinking my time may have passed. She told me "Jo you can always adopt and you can have Naish."

That is the typical response I received from my friends who are parents, "you can just have my kids." Yes that's exactly what I want. NOT!!

A few years back I had made a goal/plan that by the time I hit 35, if I was not married, I would adopt. Well 35 is in 20 days. Here's the thing, I always thought I would be raising children with a husband. I haven't given up on the husband so I shouldn't give up on being married and having children. I know something needs to happen soon if I truly believe my time is up.

Too bad I can't wish for a husband. :-)
Then again what's the saying "be careful what you wish for"

Corporate America

Today I truly understood why some people have decided to leave the world of corporate America, step out on faith and open their own business. If I was financial able, translation little to no debt, I would have done it today.

Reason 1. I took a work call today that the caller accused me of calling him a liar, i had not felt my heartbeat that hard in my life that i am still shaken up from the call. Reason 2. About a week go, my manager informed me that I should remove my Langston Hughes quote from my work email signature because it did go well with the company logo right beside it. Reason 3. During my mid-year review today, my manager informed that concerns had been brought to her attention that my screensaver of "The Wire" was offensive and made people make certain assumptions about me.

I will admit the screensaver may have some graphic scenes on it, as a dutiful and compliant worker bee who still needs the paycheck that pays her living expenses, I changed the screensaver to a work related one that I had previously downloaded.

After my review, I pondered the true nature in this rat race we work in called corporate America. I am the product of a revoluntionist aka Rev. Frederick G. Outlaw. I keep it deep seated. I really wanted to tell management to kiss it where the sun don't shine but i need my paycheck like i need air to breathe.

It does feel good to vent a little here online. Thanks for listening to me.

Saturday June 12, 2010

It has been a long day for me today. My day started at 5am. I hit the snooze button once knowing I needed to get up and moving to get ready for Race for the cure. I completed the race but I really felt like I was completely out of shape. I couldn't make on the hills and inclines, I was so out of breath and dehydrated. I have some serious work cut out for in getting trained to run a half-marathon in less than 6 months. I would really like to drop 40 lbs by then. I think that would make such a difference in terms of training.

I've just gotten home and showered from a co-worker's birthday juke joint/cookout/birthday party. He has a cousin that I feel there is an attraction. You know how you see a guy, you look at them, they look at you, there is a teeny tiny spark of interest or something. When I see him come to the house, I get a slight bit of excitement. I have never been one to approach a guy. We never really say anything to each other, so like teenagers I know. Then there is a friend of the birthday boy that another co-worker sadly attempt to hook me up with. I couldn't get this brother on the phone and barely got a reply to a FB message. I see him there. I know he knows who I am but never says anything to me nor me to him, another teenager/child thing. As I leave the party, I hug the cousin awkwardly. I think to myself as I'm driving away, why doesn't he make a move or something. I'm kinda old-fashion like that. A sista was looking very cute today because you never know who you will meet. I keep wondering when will I meet my husband, father of my future children, the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. I'm getting a little sad as I finish this up because as I look toward 35 years of age and I'm still single, it depresses me a little bit every day. Maybe because I'm racked full of emotions because it's that time of the month or the loneliness is just really strong this week.

My Review of Mega Smarties Candy Rolls: 24CT Box

Originally submitted at CandyWarehouse.com

First came the original Smarties roll, then the Giant Smarties roll, and now the largest of them all..... DUH DA DUN ..... the Smarties MEGA Roll! These Smarties are bigger and 'badder' that ever! Unit Price = $0.80/roll. Display box contains 24 Mega Smarties Candy Rolls, each with a net ...

Mega Smarties Candy Rolls: 24CT Box

I love Mega Smarties!

By SmartieLOVER from Raleigh, NC on 4/7/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Fun, Good Texture, Natural Flavor, Mouth Watering, Balanced Sweetness

Best Uses: Curb Cravings

Describe Yourself: Major Sweet Tooth, Foodie

I love smarties! One day I was perusing the candy aisle and came across the mega smarties. Ever since I pick up 2-4 packages. Then my craving increased I would buy the box. Then an employee at my local grocer recommended I purchase directly from the supplier. Genius!!

(legalese)

My Review of WORK: BIKERS - SNAPDRAGON - EXTRA WIDE

Originally submitted at SKECHERS

Get through the shift with the SKECHERS Work Bikers-Snapdragon sneaker. Smooth leather upper in a casual sneaker with bungee front laces. Extra Wide width is equivalent to a women's W or D width.

WORK: BIKERS - SNAPDRAGON - EXTRA WIDE

I love this shoe!

By Carebears4life from Raleigh, NC on 3/22/2010

 

5out of 5

Sizing: Feels true to size

Width: Feels too narrow

Pros: Stylish, Cushions Impact

Best Uses: Casual Wear, Travel

Describe Yourself: Comfort Driven

The style and comfort of the shoe

(legalese)

The Future

On March 4, 2010 somewhere between 8:30am and 9am, I was told by my manager that my position of 10 years with Verizon Business or whatever the company is called these days was eliminated. In 30 days on April 2, 2010 I would be seperated from the payroll. It's been about 2 days since I first received the news and I am still in shock.

I was at a screening of Brooklyn's Finest Thursday night. Anyone who knows me knows I don't miss a free movie screening :-) While I was in the theater watching the movie, it dawned on me that I don't have to get up to go to work in the morning. The reality of my unemployment truly sank it and it scared the Sugar Honey Ice Tea out of me.

It's 5:33am on Saturday and I can't sleep because my mind is cluttered with the worry and stress of uncertainty. I feel as if I am going through the stages of grief and truthfully I do not like it.

Since I have shared the news with family and friends, I have received support from everyone. In times like these, it is truly needed.

I'm attempting to keep a positive attitude and outlook on what the future holds. Keep me in your prayers.

Giveaway: How does a Year of Tide Detergent Sound?

http://mommysnacks.net/2010/01/year-tide-sound/

2010 US Cenus jobs

About a month ago my pastor made an announcement that the government will be hiring workers on a part time basis with the 2010 census. I thought this would be a good way to make some extra money.

Last night was my testing appointment. It is truly entertaining to watch others in a testing environment. The tester explained the instructions to us as if we were in elementary school. As insulting as it sounds, it was actually necessary. Few people did have trouble with completing the application. As the 30 minute skills test begun, I began to think about the show "Are you smarter than a 5th grader"? The questions on the test are not SAT/ACT caliber but it does require you to use basic reading, math and analysis skills.

As I left the testing center, I thought about the possibility of being hired with the government as a census taker and how the job would be if I had to go door to door checking the status of homes. For $16.25/hour paid weekly, I will do it.

SWAG BUCKS ROCKS!!

My favorite search & win site is Swag Bucks. I am truly addicted to this site. I have recruited others into the site. You use the site to perform internet searches, you randomly win bucks which you redeem for free prizes. All of this is FREE.

To let you know this site is the real deal, I have received from Amazon: Super Mario Bros for Wii, Wii Sports Resort and Lost Season 5.

If you're ready to earn free stuff for searching the internet, check it out through the following link

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/Johanna75

January 20, 2010

Today was Week 2 Day 3 of my C25K training. As I started out running at 5:10am I contemplated the chicken wings I ate for dinner last night. How they may cause me to drag in my running this morning. 45 minutes later, day 3 was complete. I continued on my day with getting ready for work