Friday, April 20, 2012

the desires of the heart

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe I was probably born this way. I have always been fond of romance novels. When I discovered the black line of romance novels I was hook, line and sinker. I am a HUGE fan of romance movies AKA chick flicks. Today I watched "The Lucky One", movie based on the book by Nicholas Sparks. I LOVE his books and the movies based on them. My #1 FAV is "The Notebook". I cry every time I watch it.

Today as I watched the movie I wondered is it too late for me? Has love passed me by? Has having a family of my own passed me by? Have I turned into an old-maid as I am slowly creeping up on 40. I know many would say "Jo you have plenty of time." Which some days I believe. Late at night when I am in bed trying to call it a night, my mind wanders through those questions. I think that my time has passed.

I have felt love in my life. It was awhile ago. I enjoy the memories of it. I desire to have love in my life again. I have no idea when or where it will happen. Up until last fall, my last relationship ended in 2005. Ironically, last fall I started dating the same man from my very "last" relationship. I did not feel for him as he felt for me. I would have doubts that he was truly the "one". We ended it not too long into the new year.

I have contemplated online dating again for the umpteenth time. Back when it was very taboo about 14 years ago, I was successful at meeting men and dating. My last few times I couldn't buy a date. Lord have mercy have I turned into a leper or something. I mean seriously I really don't know what it takes to find the "one" you are meant to be with. I've been praying about it for a very long time. If I didn't know any better I think God has closed his ears to me. I know that I am wrong for even thinking that aloud but when you have gone for almost 6 years with no real meaningful relationship what else can you think.I will not accept that fact that I am meant to be alone. No I will not. I am so tired of being "party of 1". Yes I enjoy my life. I would love to share it with the "one" and have a family together. Seriously is that asking a lot. I don't think so but what do I know I'm just a big ole romantic who wants to be swept off her feet. Yeah I've probably watched too many movies and ready too many books. SUE me :-)