Seeing the real deal

I had a male friend. Up until a few hours ago I might have seen a future. There's that saying the last good nerve just snapped. That's exactly what happened. Let me start by giving the background. I texted him a few times yesterday to see if he wanted to come over. After the 2nd text and no response. I decided to give him a call. No response until this morning. When I ask him about being MIA, he pretty much brushes it off by saying that he was busy. I'm a firm believer that you make time for what's important to you. If I read too much into it, who knows.  I let him know that. He told me he was busy and to get over it. Seriously?? At this point I'm boiling hot like grease to fry fish. I have a long ugly text ready to go. I attempt to call my BFF, can't get her. I call tall drink, he's 1 of my really good friends in the whole wide world. He talks me down and tells me to reply in a much calmer way. He said he will either apologize or not. My ex male friend tells me it's fun and remember  that this is what I did. Seriously?? Not once does he admit that he could have picked up the phone or text to say he was busy. Never admit it. I told him to remember that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he lost it. He totally missed that he doesn't see me as important to him. When someone doesn't take the time to just say I'm busy when they're busy, you are not important to them. It hurts because I care and he apparently doesn't. I know I deserve better.

The Weekend

Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed to be employed. I truly HATE working on the weekend. Not that I have a whole lot going on. I would just enjoy sleeping in sometimes. I would love knowing that I only work Monday through Friday. That's how life is.

This makes day 3 of a 6 day stretch. It takes a toll around day 5. I am looking forward to the 4 day weekend when Wednesday 4:30pm EDT gets here. No travel plans. Just be glad to be out of work for 4 days.

Weekend countdown here I come!!

RLAD training has begun

Today marks day 2 of Run Like a Diva training. Our group is training for the Diva Half-marathon on April 28 in North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Today was our first "official" group run. We met at Shelley Lake at 6am. Today's goal was 3 miles. I SWEAR those 3 miles were the hardest. I've been a runner/walker off and on for 4 years. I've completed numerous 5K's and even attempted my 1st half about a month ago in City of Oaks. Training always seems to kick me in the butt. I think today was due to the fasting I was doing for blood work for my annual physical. No food after midnight doesn't do well when you are running 3 miles. This is day 1. We have 15 more weeks to go, woo hoo. Slow and steady to 13.1!!

the desires of the heart

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe I was probably born this way. I have always been fond of romance novels. When I discovered the black line of romance novels I was hook, line and sinker. I am a HUGE fan of romance movies AKA chick flicks. Today I watched "The Lucky One", movie based on the book by Nicholas Sparks. I LOVE his books and the movies based on them. My #1 FAV is "The Notebook". I cry every time I watch it.

Today as I watched the movie I wondered is it too late for me? Has love passed me by? Has having a family of my own passed me by? Have I turned into an old-maid as I am slowly creeping up on 40. I know many would say "Jo you have plenty of time." Which some days I believe. Late at night when I am in bed trying to call it a night, my mind wanders through those questions. I think that my time has passed.

I have felt love in my life. It was awhile ago. I enjoy the memories of it. I desire to have love in my life again. I have no idea when or where it will happen. Up until last fall, my last relationship ended in 2005. Ironically, last fall I started dating the same man from my very "last" relationship. I did not feel for him as he felt for me. I would have doubts that he was truly the "one". We ended it not too long into the new year.

I have contemplated online dating again for the umpteenth time. Back when it was very taboo about 14 years ago, I was successful at meeting men and dating. My last few times I couldn't buy a date. Lord have mercy have I turned into a leper or something. I mean seriously I really don't know what it takes to find the "one" you are meant to be with. I've been praying about it for a very long time. If I didn't know any better I think God has closed his ears to me. I know that I am wrong for even thinking that aloud but when you have gone for almost 6 years with no real meaningful relationship what else can you think.I will not accept that fact that I am meant to be alone. No I will not. I am so tired of being "party of 1". Yes I enjoy my life. I would love to share it with the "one" and have a family together. Seriously is that asking a lot. I don't think so but what do I know I'm just a big ole romantic who wants to be swept off her feet. Yeah I've probably watched too many movies and ready too many books. SUE me :-)

A feeling

I've been feeling like I'm going through a life crisis. I don't like things in my life. I have a job not a career. I'm single and I wish I at least had a boyfriend and not men who only seem interested in sex and non-communicative and undependable. I hate living check to check.

About 10 days ago, I cut my hair. I mean I CUT my hair. The main reason is I want a change in my life. I want a complete makeover. The hair is the beginning. I want to get this weight off. I want to fall in love, be held, kissed, made love to, holding hands. Yeah I know it sounds very storybook but it's the truth. I've had it before back back back back in the day. I know what it feels like.

How does it happen? The hell if I know. What i do know if i can work on the weigh and career change. That's where I will start.

Old Navy tank

I love Crowdtap. It is one of my favorite websites. The lastest product sample was Old Navy Trimmed tank. I can't wait to wear it.

Easter weekend

I truly believe I suffer some form of depression because it turns up on holidays. All weekend I kept thinking how nice it would be if I was spending my holiday with a boyfriend/husband. There is "someone" in the picture but it isn't a bona fide relationship. I can't even decscribe it. Which is why I started online dating about 6 weeks ago. I feel that I am ready to settle down with the one that God has just for me.

Today it hit me hard for some reason. As I was driving to morning worship service, I keep thinking how nice it would have been if I were going with my husband or serious boyfriend. keep thinking about it even at church and after church and at Easter dinner.

Almost a year + ago my 2nd mother was trying to "fix" me up with her mailman. I haven't dated anyone since Fleming so I was open to the possibility. We talked, texted. Made plans to get together, they didn't happen. Finally met him at my birthday dinner. We never went on a date. I figured he wasn't interested, who knows, i am not an expert on men at all. Today i was confirmed in a suspicion that he may be interested in someone else. I guess that I never knew why nothing truly happened with us, it came as a surprise. It added to my holiday singleness loneliness depression. I have great friends and family but I just don't feel I could talk to anyone because I know they will tell me to pray about it and the Lord will make a way. I do believe that, truly I do but it doesn't stop the tears from falling bc i'm a big emotional cry baby. I just wonder when will it be my time. That's why i believe i suffer from some sort of depression. In the back of my mind, I wonder am I meant to be alone. I really hope and pray not because I have so much love in my heart to give. As I was holding the baby this afternoon, it felt so good and so natural until she spit up on me. The all the babies at church were so cute and sometimes i just want one. It's more than that, it's about having someone in my life to share it with, that's what I really want.