The holidays

I know it's the most wonderful time of the year. Lately there are so moments where I have not felt that way at all. I should be on a serious study schedule for PMP exam I have in a few weeks. I have started a serious habit of procrastination. That is not good. I have invested $$ on the exam and the exam prep class. Things really start to hit me at night, when I'm getting ready for bed. I wish that i wasn't a party of 1. I wish I was at least in a relationship where i had someone to spend the holidays with. a really good friend of mine told me that I have chosen to be a party of 1. That's true. I have opted to not be in a relationship where the other person was DEPENDENT on me. Last night, emotions just hit me like a hurricane force wind. I eventually was able to go to sleep. I woke up drained and tired and still kinda down in the dumps. I thought about re-connecting with my therapist. I think I really should because it will probably only get worse as Christmas and New Year's gets closer.

There are moments

There are moments when I wish that I was either in a relationship or married with a family. Those tend to hit during holidays or other events in my life. This weekend I am participating in mock triathlon. It's an event with my training group to get a feel for what the race will be like. Friends and family are welcome to come. I send a bunch of emails out. I think I got 1 response from Andre asking a silly ? about what pool is big enough for 225 yards. He is a hoot.

I wish I had that special someone to be there with me to root me on. That family to be there to root me on. Sunday is one of those moments.

Tonight I was watching modern family. They were in Australia on vacation. At the end they showed them doing stuff and OMG it hit me I wish I had a family of my own to go on vacations with like I did as a kid.

I wonder is it too late. Has that opportunity passed me by? I get really sad when I think about that.

Last weekend was Easter and it made me feel some kind of way to see all the family photos. I wish one of them was me. Oh man I want that 😭😭😭

Then th other night I had the best dream ever. I was on vacation with friends and a guy said to someone "that's my wife right there" he came up behind me and held me and I felt so much love. I knew he loved me and I loved him. It was the best thing in the world. It seemed so real. I kept smiling about it even when I woke up.

Emotional day

I've had several crying spells today. It was something about Sunday. I have this idea of going to worship service on Sunday with my husband. We're driving in the car together. We're driving home together. It's something about that image that I am in love with. Driving home today to an empty house AGAIN was a big emotional trigger for me. 

I've been kind of in a funk all day. Neti could hear it in my voice. I wonder if I was married to the ONE would I truly be happy the way I imagine I would be. I was happy a long time ago. I was in a relationship. I was in love. I was so happy. I miss it so much. 

I even went and looked at HIS Facebook page and just browsed through his pictures. That's the past. I need to look toward the future

Seeing the real deal

I had a male friend. Up until a few hours ago I might have seen a future. There's that saying the last good nerve just snapped. That's exactly what happened. Let me start by giving the background. I texted him a few times yesterday to see if he wanted to come over. After the 2nd text and no response. I decided to give him a call. No response until this morning. When I ask him about being MIA, he pretty much brushes it off by saying that he was busy. I'm a firm believer that you make time for what's important to you. If I read too much into it, who knows.  I let him know that. He told me he was busy and to get over it. Seriously?? At this point I'm boiling hot like grease to fry fish. I have a long ugly text ready to go. I attempt to call my BFF, can't get her. I call tall drink, he's 1 of my really good friends in the whole wide world. He talks me down and tells me to reply in a much calmer way. He said he will either apologize or not. My ex male friend tells me it's fun and remember  that this is what I did. Seriously?? Not once does he admit that he could have picked up the phone or text to say he was busy. Never admit it. I told him to remember that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he lost it. He totally missed that he doesn't see me as important to him. When someone doesn't take the time to just say I'm busy when they're busy, you are not important to them. It hurts because I care and he apparently doesn't. I know I deserve better.

The Weekend

Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed to be employed. I truly HATE working on the weekend. Not that I have a whole lot going on. I would just enjoy sleeping in sometimes. I would love knowing that I only work Monday through Friday. That's how life is.

This makes day 3 of a 6 day stretch. It takes a toll around day 5. I am looking forward to the 4 day weekend when Wednesday 4:30pm EDT gets here. No travel plans. Just be glad to be out of work for 4 days.

Weekend countdown here I come!!

RLAD training has begun

Today marks day 2 of Run Like a Diva training. Our group is training for the Diva Half-marathon on April 28 in North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Today was our first "official" group run. We met at Shelley Lake at 6am. Today's goal was 3 miles. I SWEAR those 3 miles were the hardest. I've been a runner/walker off and on for 4 years. I've completed numerous 5K's and even attempted my 1st half about a month ago in City of Oaks. Training always seems to kick me in the butt. I think today was due to the fasting I was doing for blood work for my annual physical. No food after midnight doesn't do well when you are running 3 miles. This is day 1. We have 15 more weeks to go, woo hoo. Slow and steady to 13.1!!

the desires of the heart

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe I was probably born this way. I have always been fond of romance novels. When I discovered the black line of romance novels I was hook, line and sinker. I am a HUGE fan of romance movies AKA chick flicks. Today I watched "The Lucky One", movie based on the book by Nicholas Sparks. I LOVE his books and the movies based on them. My #1 FAV is "The Notebook". I cry every time I watch it.

Today as I watched the movie I wondered is it too late for me? Has love passed me by? Has having a family of my own passed me by? Have I turned into an old-maid as I am slowly creeping up on 40. I know many would say "Jo you have plenty of time." Which some days I believe. Late at night when I am in bed trying to call it a night, my mind wanders through those questions. I think that my time has passed.

I have felt love in my life. It was awhile ago. I enjoy the memories of it. I desire to have love in my life again. I have no idea when or where it will happen. Up until last fall, my last relationship ended in 2005. Ironically, last fall I started dating the same man from my very "last" relationship. I did not feel for him as he felt for me. I would have doubts that he was truly the "one". We ended it not too long into the new year.

I have contemplated online dating again for the umpteenth time. Back when it was very taboo about 14 years ago, I was successful at meeting men and dating. My last few times I couldn't buy a date. Lord have mercy have I turned into a leper or something. I mean seriously I really don't know what it takes to find the "one" you are meant to be with. I've been praying about it for a very long time. If I didn't know any better I think God has closed his ears to me. I know that I am wrong for even thinking that aloud but when you have gone for almost 6 years with no real meaningful relationship what else can you think.I will not accept that fact that I am meant to be alone. No I will not. I am so tired of being "party of 1". Yes I enjoy my life. I would love to share it with the "one" and have a family together. Seriously is that asking a lot. I don't think so but what do I know I'm just a big ole romantic who wants to be swept off her feet. Yeah I've probably watched too many movies and ready too many books. SUE me :-)

A feeling

I've been feeling like I'm going through a life crisis. I don't like things in my life. I have a job not a career. I'm single and I wish I at least had a boyfriend and not men who only seem interested in sex and non-communicative and undependable. I hate living check to check.

About 10 days ago, I cut my hair. I mean I CUT my hair. The main reason is I want a change in my life. I want a complete makeover. The hair is the beginning. I want to get this weight off. I want to fall in love, be held, kissed, made love to, holding hands. Yeah I know it sounds very storybook but it's the truth. I've had it before back back back back in the day. I know what it feels like.

How does it happen? The hell if I know. What i do know if i can work on the weigh and career change. That's where I will start.

Old Navy tank

I love Crowdtap. It is one of my favorite websites. The lastest product sample was Old Navy Trimmed tank. I can't wait to wear it.

Easter weekend

I truly believe I suffer some form of depression because it turns up on holidays. All weekend I kept thinking how nice it would be if I was spending my holiday with a boyfriend/husband. There is "someone" in the picture but it isn't a bona fide relationship. I can't even decscribe it. Which is why I started online dating about 6 weeks ago. I feel that I am ready to settle down with the one that God has just for me.

Today it hit me hard for some reason. As I was driving to morning worship service, I keep thinking how nice it would have been if I were going with my husband or serious boyfriend. keep thinking about it even at church and after church and at Easter dinner.

Almost a year + ago my 2nd mother was trying to "fix" me up with her mailman. I haven't dated anyone since Fleming so I was open to the possibility. We talked, texted. Made plans to get together, they didn't happen. Finally met him at my birthday dinner. We never went on a date. I figured he wasn't interested, who knows, i am not an expert on men at all. Today i was confirmed in a suspicion that he may be interested in someone else. I guess that I never knew why nothing truly happened with us, it came as a surprise. It added to my holiday singleness loneliness depression. I have great friends and family but I just don't feel I could talk to anyone because I know they will tell me to pray about it and the Lord will make a way. I do believe that, truly I do but it doesn't stop the tears from falling bc i'm a big emotional cry baby. I just wonder when will it be my time. That's why i believe i suffer from some sort of depression. In the back of my mind, I wonder am I meant to be alone. I really hope and pray not because I have so much love in my heart to give. As I was holding the baby this afternoon, it felt so good and so natural until she spit up on me. The all the babies at church were so cute and sometimes i just want one. It's more than that, it's about having someone in my life to share it with, that's what I really want.

3 day weekend

I have a 3 day weekend ahead of me. I also have a wonderful head cold to go along with it. Being sick sucks. I've been self-medicating for the last few days. I went to bed last night around 9ish and woke up this morning around 8ish. That's about 11 hours of sleep. OMG!
I figure I will take this time to make some plans/goals for 2011.

#1 on my list is to get a handle on my financial situation
#2 develop my photography hobby into a viable business
#3 become more committed to losing weight and eating healthy

maternal yearning

It hit me again this evening while I was grocery shopping tonight for dinner. I was in the produce section and a lady passed by me with a little girl in her cart. She was so cute and she smiled at me. I smiled back. She kept smiling. The yearning for children caused me to follow her with smile until she was no longer in my direct line of sight. Then I continued on my journey to pick up items to make dinner. I run into her and her mom and sister in the meat section. She smiles at me again. I'm in love with the idea of having kids and having that person love me unconditionally. Then I almost get run down by 2 kids who decide to have recess in the grocery store. I think that the cute babies turn into them and then they turn into moody teenagers i.e. my niece and myself 20 + years ago. I don't care, I still want kids of my own and a husband of course.

new outlook on life

I have decided to allow myself to have a new outlook on life. Instead of thinking about how long it's been since i've been in a relationship, been kissed, had sex. I will anticipate when it will happen with my husband that God has designed just for me. I have faith and I believe that he is out there waiting for me just as I am waiting for him. This time right now is my "In the Meantime" to work on issues in my life. There are plenty of them.

I have also decided to put myself back on the online dating market. I have re-activated my profile on BlackPeopleMeet.com. I have started a subscription so I can have communication with users. We'll see how it goes.

Today was an BUSY day for me. It started off with the breast cancer walk with my fellow Curvettes. That was fun. I was glad it was over. I keep thinking to myself when I'm out there struggling through the 3.1 miles, how will I ever add 10 more to it and do a half-marathon. I know that's just the devil telling me I can't do it and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

After the walk, I hit the house to change and head to St. Aug Homecoming for tailgating. As I sat around with friends, I noticed as always that it was all single women in our group. Some are mothers and some have never had children including myself. After tailgating, we met up tonight to keep the party going at Champps. I can count the # of men in there on 1 hand, seriously. I was looking extra good tonight but not enough men to take notice. We had a great time but expected a much bigger crowd. I'm happy we chose the $10 party and not the $25 party. They would have gone to the higher costing party and I would have been home making it a netflix night.

It is 2:03 in the morning and I am wide awake like it's 2:03 in the afternoon. That's what happens when you get energized and buzzed from 2 drinks, food, dancing and having a good time. I do need to go get some shut eye because I am planning to make it to PinkFest. I'm going against my upbringing by going out on a Saturday night and not going to church on Sunday morning. Life will go on :-)

My Review of Moving Comfort Women's MCW Workout Capri - Plus Size

Originally submitted at Sun & Ski Sports

This super soft capri matches the quiet heart of a workout warrior. Both gentle and fierce, we like how it fits in perfectly whether you're joining friends for a beautiful spring run or hot yoga.

Moving Comfort Women's MCW Workout Capri - Plus Size

Best capris I've ever worn

By Johanna the plus size runner from Raleigh, NC on 9/30/2010

 

5out of 5

Fit: Feels true to size

Pros: Comfortable, Lightweight, Durable, Breathable, Allows Free Movement

Best Uses: Casual Wear, Running, Warm Weather, Competition

Describe Yourself: Avid Athlete

Was this a gift?: No

I was looking for a pair of capri to wear when I run. I am a fan of Moving Comfort products. I was excited to find them on this site for a cheaper price than the manufacture site. They fit great. They perform well while running. I can't wait to order another pair in a different color.

(legalese)

Marriage

Today I had a very interesting conversation with a co-worker. He told me he has been married for 20 years and 20 years too long. He told me he's waiting for his youngest son to go to college and then he's leaving his wife. Me being a single woman who prays for my husband every day this comes as a surprise. Granted I don't have any experience of marriage except for being engaged and having a dress and veil buried in my closet for the last 10 years. That's another story. Other experience is my parents being married for 38 years.

I ask him what happened. He told me the love and passion are just gone. Once he leaves his wife, he has not intention of getting married again.

It makes me wonder is it possible in this day of age to have a happy and lasting marriage. The first wedding I was a bridesmaid in, ended after 7 years. Another wedding I was a participant in, after 9 years it's on it's way to the court house.

I ask the ? "Can a marriage last in this day and age?"

Saturday night special

Sometimes I don't appreciate the little things in life. A friend said to me today "What would it be like to go sit at a bar and appreciate the bar atmosphere?" This is what I was planning to do tonight. I told her well that's my life. I never think about not being able to go out as I please without worrying about others. That's the thing about being single. You always just get up and go as you please. You think no more about it. Every now and then you are reminded that others who are married with children don't have the same options. As I yearn to join the ranks of married people, I know my life would be completely different than it is now.

For the last 5.5 years I have been single, not dating or in a relationship. For some bizarre reason it is not easy to find a boyfriend these days.

"Why couldn't it all be so simple" sings Lauryn Hill. "You rather make it hard"

This week I have decided to stop trying to communicate with someone my 2nd mother has been trying for weeks now to matchmaker with me. I believe the man should court the woman and not the other way around. Maybe I'm old school like that. We've talked on the phone like twice. Texting is the main source of communication. I met him sort of at my birthday dinner a week ago. Actually talked to him for a little while last Sunday. That's the last I've heard from him. I've txt, left vmx. No response. I'm not a rocket scientist but I get the hint. I just don't understand men. Why even waste my time if you don't plan on putting in time in to get to know someone before you just walk away or whatever you want to call it. I wish I could fastforward to my next relationship already. This dating/meeting someone/getting to know you bs is 4 the freaking birds.

35th Birthday

Today is the national holiday AKA my birthday. I enjoyed it. Not as much as I normally would. That's primarily because my body was recovering from another bout with my stomach. My stomach had the worst timing in the world. It put a slight change in my original plans. Plans are made to be broken.

I did get to celebrate my birthday with friends and family at my birthday dinner. We ended up at Chili's instead of Olive Garden. I had an inkling for Italian and initially thought of Maagiano's and should have stayed with that choice. Next year!!

As I age each year, I come to really appreciate sharing my birthday with friends and family here in Raleigh. I heard from my family back home even my sister called to give me birthday well wishes. I heard from everyone in my immediate family except for my dad. I'm slightly surprised because he normally is reminded after my mom tells him.

I'm already thinking about next year's celebrations. Party or not to party. Trip or not to trip. I'm thinking birthday trip overseas. Yeah!!

As I drove home from the restaurant, I was proud of myself for not being sad that I was coming home to an empty house on another birthday. I have accepted the single life on some levels. I still pray that this time next year, I will share my birthday with someone special. I truly believe he is out there looking for me just as I hard as I am looking for him.

7 days until my 35th birthday

Today is August 14 and my birthday is in 7 days. I am real big on birthdays. I LOVE them. I have always believed they should be celebrated as national holidays because it is the day God blessed the world with your birth.

Traditionally, I celebrate my birthday with a dinner with friends/family. This year I'm a week away and haven't planned anything. You may ask why? The only reason is because for the past few months a rekindling of an old acquaintance from high school has me wanting to do something different for my birthday. He just informed me that he may not be able to get off from work to visit for my birthday. It's still up in the air. That has my plans in a hold pattern.

I sit here looking down at my birthday in one week, I'm not sure what I will do. The #1 thing I wanted to do and may still do is attend the Budweiser Superfest concert in Greensboro featuring Jaheim, Anthony Hamilton, Kem and Raheem Devaughn. I'll give it until Monday and then make my final decision on the concert. I'm not opposed to going by myself. I've gotten pretty used to flying solo. I would prefer to go with him but life doesn't work out the way you want all the time.

I may still do my birthday dinner on Friday if I go to the concert on Greensboro. I've been searching online for a birthday dress. I have become in love with the color purple. I found a purple maxi dress online. A little on the pricey side but I'm willing to shell out for it bc it's not everyday you turn 35.

As I sit at home on a Saturday night a little inebriated from the homemade pina colodas which I had 2, I wish that I wasn't home alone. Is it too much to ask to have a boyfriend that you spend time with? I won't get on my soapbox about men/dating/relationships. For some reason God has decided that I am not to be in a relationship at the moment. I think back to my last relationship which was over 5 1/2 years ago. That just made me depressed.

I do believe that I am not meant to live my life alone. I just wish I would meet him already. I know things happen according to God's timetable and not mine.

34 3/4, single, no kids

Today is the first of August which means my birthday is in 20 days in which I will be 35. As I was at church this morning, I noticed a female toddler behind me. She was so cute and a true handful for her mother. As I do when I see kids, the yearning inside of me grows. I thought to myself if I were to have children in the next year(assuming I meet and get married before then), when the child turns 15, I will be 50. I really began to wonder if my time for having children has passed me by. That thought will hit me hard and made me straight up DEPRESSED.

As I was headed to a birthday dinner for my mother away from mother, I was talking to my BFF about my thoughts on children. She asked me if I wanted kids, I told her I do and how I'm thinking my time may have passed. She told me "Jo you can always adopt and you can have Naish."

That is the typical response I received from my friends who are parents, "you can just have my kids." Yes that's exactly what I want. NOT!!

A few years back I had made a goal/plan that by the time I hit 35, if I was not married, I would adopt. Well 35 is in 20 days. Here's the thing, I always thought I would be raising children with a husband. I haven't given up on the husband so I shouldn't give up on being married and having children. I know something needs to happen soon if I truly believe my time is up.

Too bad I can't wish for a husband. :-)
Then again what's the saying "be careful what you wish for"

Corporate America

Today I truly understood why some people have decided to leave the world of corporate America, step out on faith and open their own business. If I was financial able, translation little to no debt, I would have done it today.

Reason 1. I took a work call today that the caller accused me of calling him a liar, i had not felt my heartbeat that hard in my life that i am still shaken up from the call. Reason 2. About a week go, my manager informed me that I should remove my Langston Hughes quote from my work email signature because it did go well with the company logo right beside it. Reason 3. During my mid-year review today, my manager informed that concerns had been brought to her attention that my screensaver of "The Wire" was offensive and made people make certain assumptions about me.

I will admit the screensaver may have some graphic scenes on it, as a dutiful and compliant worker bee who still needs the paycheck that pays her living expenses, I changed the screensaver to a work related one that I had previously downloaded.

After my review, I pondered the true nature in this rat race we work in called corporate America. I am the product of a revoluntionist aka Rev. Frederick G. Outlaw. I keep it deep seated. I really wanted to tell management to kiss it where the sun don't shine but i need my paycheck like i need air to breathe.

It does feel good to vent a little here online. Thanks for listening to me.