The holidays

I know it's the most wonderful time of the year. Lately there are so moments where I have not felt that way at all. I should be on a serious study schedule for PMP exam I have in a few weeks. I have started a serious habit of procrastination. That is not good. I have invested $$ on the exam and the exam prep class. Things really start to hit me at night, when I'm getting ready for bed. I wish that i wasn't a party of 1. I wish I was at least in a relationship where i had someone to spend the holidays with. a really good friend of mine told me that I have chosen to be a party of 1. That's true. I have opted to not be in a relationship where the other person was DEPENDENT on me. Last night, emotions just hit me like a hurricane force wind. I eventually was able to go to sleep. I woke up drained and tired and still kinda down in the dumps. I thought about re-connecting with my therapist. I think I really should because it will probably only get worse as Christmas and New Year's gets closer.

There are moments

There are moments when I wish that I was either in a relationship or married with a family. Those tend to hit during holidays or other events in my life. This weekend I am participating in mock triathlon. It's an event with my training group to get a feel for what the race will be like. Friends and family are welcome to come. I send a bunch of emails out. I think I got 1 response from Andre asking a silly ? about what pool is big enough for 225 yards. He is a hoot.

I wish I had that special someone to be there with me to root me on. That family to be there to root me on. Sunday is one of those moments.

Tonight I was watching modern family. They were in Australia on vacation. At the end they showed them doing stuff and OMG it hit me I wish I had a family of my own to go on vacations with like I did as a kid.

I wonder is it too late. Has that opportunity passed me by? I get really sad when I think about that.

Last weekend was Easter and it made me feel some kind of way to see all the family photos. I wish one of them was me. Oh man I want that 😭😭😭

Then th other night I had the best dream ever. I was on vacation with friends and a guy said to someone "that's my wife right there" he came up behind me and held me and I felt so much love. I knew he loved me and I loved him. It was the best thing in the world. It seemed so real. I kept smiling about it even when I woke up.

Emotional day

I've had several crying spells today. It was something about Sunday. I have this idea of going to worship service on Sunday with my husband. We're driving in the car together. We're driving home together. It's something about that image that I am in love with. Driving home today to an empty house AGAIN was a big emotional trigger for me. 

I've been kind of in a funk all day. Neti could hear it in my voice. I wonder if I was married to the ONE would I truly be happy the way I imagine I would be. I was happy a long time ago. I was in a relationship. I was in love. I was so happy. I miss it so much. 

I even went and looked at HIS Facebook page and just browsed through his pictures. That's the past. I need to look toward the future

Seeing the real deal

I had a male friend. Up until a few hours ago I might have seen a future. There's that saying the last good nerve just snapped. That's exactly what happened. Let me start by giving the background. I texted him a few times yesterday to see if he wanted to come over. After the 2nd text and no response. I decided to give him a call. No response until this morning. When I ask him about being MIA, he pretty much brushes it off by saying that he was busy. I'm a firm believer that you make time for what's important to you. If I read too much into it, who knows.  I let him know that. He told me he was busy and to get over it. Seriously?? At this point I'm boiling hot like grease to fry fish. I have a long ugly text ready to go. I attempt to call my BFF, can't get her. I call tall drink, he's 1 of my really good friends in the whole wide world. He talks me down and tells me to reply in a much calmer way. He said he will either apologize or not. My ex male friend tells me it's fun and remember  that this is what I did. Seriously?? Not once does he admit that he could have picked up the phone or text to say he was busy. Never admit it. I told him to remember that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he lost it. He totally missed that he doesn't see me as important to him. When someone doesn't take the time to just say I'm busy when they're busy, you are not important to them. It hurts because I care and he apparently doesn't. I know I deserve better.

The Weekend

Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed to be employed. I truly HATE working on the weekend. Not that I have a whole lot going on. I would just enjoy sleeping in sometimes. I would love knowing that I only work Monday through Friday. That's how life is.

This makes day 3 of a 6 day stretch. It takes a toll around day 5. I am looking forward to the 4 day weekend when Wednesday 4:30pm EDT gets here. No travel plans. Just be glad to be out of work for 4 days.

Weekend countdown here I come!!

RLAD training has begun

Today marks day 2 of Run Like a Diva training. Our group is training for the Diva Half-marathon on April 28 in North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Today was our first "official" group run. We met at Shelley Lake at 6am. Today's goal was 3 miles. I SWEAR those 3 miles were the hardest. I've been a runner/walker off and on for 4 years. I've completed numerous 5K's and even attempted my 1st half about a month ago in City of Oaks. Training always seems to kick me in the butt. I think today was due to the fasting I was doing for blood work for my annual physical. No food after midnight doesn't do well when you are running 3 miles. This is day 1. We have 15 more weeks to go, woo hoo. Slow and steady to 13.1!!

the desires of the heart

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe I was probably born this way. I have always been fond of romance novels. When I discovered the black line of romance novels I was hook, line and sinker. I am a HUGE fan of romance movies AKA chick flicks. Today I watched "The Lucky One", movie based on the book by Nicholas Sparks. I LOVE his books and the movies based on them. My #1 FAV is "The Notebook". I cry every time I watch it.

Today as I watched the movie I wondered is it too late for me? Has love passed me by? Has having a family of my own passed me by? Have I turned into an old-maid as I am slowly creeping up on 40. I know many would say "Jo you have plenty of time." Which some days I believe. Late at night when I am in bed trying to call it a night, my mind wanders through those questions. I think that my time has passed.

I have felt love in my life. It was awhile ago. I enjoy the memories of it. I desire to have love in my life again. I have no idea when or where it will happen. Up until last fall, my last relationship ended in 2005. Ironically, last fall I started dating the same man from my very "last" relationship. I did not feel for him as he felt for me. I would have doubts that he was truly the "one". We ended it not too long into the new year.

I have contemplated online dating again for the umpteenth time. Back when it was very taboo about 14 years ago, I was successful at meeting men and dating. My last few times I couldn't buy a date. Lord have mercy have I turned into a leper or something. I mean seriously I really don't know what it takes to find the "one" you are meant to be with. I've been praying about it for a very long time. If I didn't know any better I think God has closed his ears to me. I know that I am wrong for even thinking that aloud but when you have gone for almost 6 years with no real meaningful relationship what else can you think.I will not accept that fact that I am meant to be alone. No I will not. I am so tired of being "party of 1". Yes I enjoy my life. I would love to share it with the "one" and have a family together. Seriously is that asking a lot. I don't think so but what do I know I'm just a big ole romantic who wants to be swept off her feet. Yeah I've probably watched too many movies and ready too many books. SUE me :-)